I took two weeks off after my mother died and I needed it. I hated going back to the hospital but was glad I worked with babies they can ALWAYS make you feel better. Mothers Day was SUPER hard. I had lost will to live and was ok with anything that happened to me. I did stupid things because I no longer cared.
On May 29th I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I new God sent him to me to show me I did have a reason to live. I transfered from well baby nursery to the NICU and took an additional job as a nanny for Susans friend Madonna. I was working two jobs while Jason was hardly getting part time hours. Winter came and we could not afford to have the heat turned on and he started staying at the fire-station I would get up and go to the super cold bathroom and take the space heater with me and shower. I finaly packed up and left him and moved in with Susan.
I continued working past my due date and took maternity leave right before I was scheduled for 8nduction.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Adult Life Continues
I decided to plant some flowers in front of my apartment so I went to the payphone (ours was off) and called mama and asked what I could plant that would be easy to take care of and she suggested petunias. She said she would come by and help me the next weekend. I told her ok and that I may come spend the night with her and show her my Glamour Shot pictures that I had made for my birthday. I told her I would call her if I was coming. Well I decided to go down the street and look at flowers. I went ahead and bought some and some mulch and went home and started planting. I got up the next morning and finished so about 10:30 I went to the payphone to call mama and tell her about my flowers and she did not answer.
I went home and eventually laid down because I had to work that night. We were busy at work I was drawing labs on a baby and in walks Susan. I was like what are you doing here this late at night. She said your mother is in the hospital and no one could get you today but when they got me I did not want them to call you I wanted to come be with you. Her neighbor called 911 and the brought her here about 10:30 this morning.
Off I go with her and in the elevator she said they think she had a stroke. I was scared but knew she would be ok. We got there and her friends were there as well as my Aunt Pat and she was in surgery for her arm as they had found a blood clot. The surgeon came in and said it should hold up but the next 24 would tell us. I got in to see her in ICU and she was on the ventilator and her nurse came in to talk to us. He said her etoh(alcohol) was 250(2.5) and that was why she was unconscious but once it wore off she would wake up. -Knowing what I know now that I did not know then was an alcoholic can have an etoh of 400 and be walking around like they are just buzzed.- So I stayed the night with her and sweet Sam her nurse let me in as much as I wanted. My aunt and uncle and Grandparents came up the next day and I went home and took a nap. Before heading back that afternoon I called my dad and told him mama was in the hospital. I am not sure what I wanted to achieve from that but got nothing not a do you need anything or a let me know if I can do anything for you zilch. What did I expect really.
I got back to the hospital and everyone left. Her nurse said that they did another MRI and her brain had shifted and they saw a blood clot. I did not know exactly what that meant but around 2am I went in and had a heart to heart with her. I said mama I love you more than anything in the world and I will miss you terribly but you have had a rough life and if you are going to a better place go. I will be ok. I kissed her and told her I loved her and that I was going back out to the waiting room.
30 minutes later her nurse came out and told me to come in there so I did and they had this blanket on her. He said that her temp had spiked to 105 and it was time to call family. Wow what really!!! I called Susan first and then called my aunt Pat who called everyone else but was waiting on my cousin to get there. Susan got there and Sam said I am so glad you are here I did not want her to be by herself. Everyone came and the Dr's sat us down and said her brain is gone its time to make the decision weather or not to take her off the ventilator. Well that is was I decided to do and with me Susan, Aunt Pat, Uncle Mike, Paige standing around her bed she passed way around 10:30am on April 6th 1995. I donated her eyes to the Alabama eye foundation. I went and signed a bunch of paperwork and then went back in her room and kissed her on the forehead and began to cry. I just could not believe she was gone. I had endured the pain of loosing her so many time and this time forever on earth and my heart was broken. I got home to my apartment that morning and all of my petunias were in full bloom.
The next day I drove the hour and a half to my grandmothers and she my grandfather and my aunt went to make funeral arrangements. My grandmother told me to do what I wanted and they would pay for it. The funeral director brought us into a room full of caskets. I, three weeks after my 20th birthday, had to pick out a casket for my mother. Well surprisingly enough I did it and did not cry once. Her favorite color was green so her casket was hunter green with ivory inside and I gave them one of my outfits that she like that was also green to put on her.
The next night was the viewing, Jason came with me. I held up great and greeted all of her family and friends. We drove home and the next morning I got up and drove back for the funeral. We got to go in and view her one more time before they closed the casket. Then it hit that would be the last time I would ever see her again. I asked the director if I could have some of her hair and he cut it and put it in an envelope for me. At this point I broke down, I would never see my mama again. They took me into the pews where the family sits and Anne Murray(I picked 2 of her favorite songs) began to play. I was a mess. Someone drove me to the grave site and there we had the graveside service and she was buried. I will be forever grateful to my grandparents for paying for everything and allowing me to make all of the arrangements.
I went home and eventually laid down because I had to work that night. We were busy at work I was drawing labs on a baby and in walks Susan. I was like what are you doing here this late at night. She said your mother is in the hospital and no one could get you today but when they got me I did not want them to call you I wanted to come be with you. Her neighbor called 911 and the brought her here about 10:30 this morning.
Off I go with her and in the elevator she said they think she had a stroke. I was scared but knew she would be ok. We got there and her friends were there as well as my Aunt Pat and she was in surgery for her arm as they had found a blood clot. The surgeon came in and said it should hold up but the next 24 would tell us. I got in to see her in ICU and she was on the ventilator and her nurse came in to talk to us. He said her etoh(alcohol) was 250(2.5) and that was why she was unconscious but once it wore off she would wake up. -Knowing what I know now that I did not know then was an alcoholic can have an etoh of 400 and be walking around like they are just buzzed.- So I stayed the night with her and sweet Sam her nurse let me in as much as I wanted. My aunt and uncle and Grandparents came up the next day and I went home and took a nap. Before heading back that afternoon I called my dad and told him mama was in the hospital. I am not sure what I wanted to achieve from that but got nothing not a do you need anything or a let me know if I can do anything for you zilch. What did I expect really.
I got back to the hospital and everyone left. Her nurse said that they did another MRI and her brain had shifted and they saw a blood clot. I did not know exactly what that meant but around 2am I went in and had a heart to heart with her. I said mama I love you more than anything in the world and I will miss you terribly but you have had a rough life and if you are going to a better place go. I will be ok. I kissed her and told her I loved her and that I was going back out to the waiting room.
30 minutes later her nurse came out and told me to come in there so I did and they had this blanket on her. He said that her temp had spiked to 105 and it was time to call family. Wow what really!!! I called Susan first and then called my aunt Pat who called everyone else but was waiting on my cousin to get there. Susan got there and Sam said I am so glad you are here I did not want her to be by herself. Everyone came and the Dr's sat us down and said her brain is gone its time to make the decision weather or not to take her off the ventilator. Well that is was I decided to do and with me Susan, Aunt Pat, Uncle Mike, Paige standing around her bed she passed way around 10:30am on April 6th 1995. I donated her eyes to the Alabama eye foundation. I went and signed a bunch of paperwork and then went back in her room and kissed her on the forehead and began to cry. I just could not believe she was gone. I had endured the pain of loosing her so many time and this time forever on earth and my heart was broken. I got home to my apartment that morning and all of my petunias were in full bloom.
The next day I drove the hour and a half to my grandmothers and she my grandfather and my aunt went to make funeral arrangements. My grandmother told me to do what I wanted and they would pay for it. The funeral director brought us into a room full of caskets. I, three weeks after my 20th birthday, had to pick out a casket for my mother. Well surprisingly enough I did it and did not cry once. Her favorite color was green so her casket was hunter green with ivory inside and I gave them one of my outfits that she like that was also green to put on her.
The next night was the viewing, Jason came with me. I held up great and greeted all of her family and friends. We drove home and the next morning I got up and drove back for the funeral. We got to go in and view her one more time before they closed the casket. Then it hit that would be the last time I would ever see her again. I asked the director if I could have some of her hair and he cut it and put it in an envelope for me. At this point I broke down, I would never see my mama again. They took me into the pews where the family sits and Anne Murray(I picked 2 of her favorite songs) began to play. I was a mess. Someone drove me to the grave site and there we had the graveside service and she was buried. I will be forever grateful to my grandparents for paying for everything and allowing me to make all of the arrangements.
Adult Life
After graduation I went to Panama City Fl. We had a blast. On day 2 I met Jason. He was my friends boyfriends roommate back home. He was with someone we graduated with. We hit it off and stayed with each other the rest of the time. He left a couple of days before me. I talked to my mother several times a day as she was worried about me. I told her all about my time with Jason and that I liked him and so forth. We got home and Jason and started dating. I was 18 and he was 23. We spent almost everyday together. He was very jealous. I had everything ready to go to college and he did not want me to go. He finally said he would leave me if I went so stupid Stacie did not go. Instead he and I moved in together. We shared a one bedroom apartment. I started seeing a different side of Jason. The alarm clock would not go off and he would get up and through it across the room. It was always my fault somehow. We would be driving down the road arguing about something and he would punch me in the arm or leg. At the time I was working at the bank and my dresses had short sleeves and they would ask about the bruises and I would usually say moving furniture.I really loved him and thought we could work through it and he would change. I decided to apply for a job at a hospital as I was going to go to nursing school(and did not go). I got offered a job and again he was very upset and did not want me to take the job but I was able to talk him into letting me as we needed the money. I loved my new job. I was working with new born babies. I was 19 and thought I would work there until retiring at 44. Susan also worked at this hospital and had for a long time. She worked days and I worked nights.
So Christmas of 1994 Jason gave my an engagement ring and asked me to marry him. I was so happy and said yes. In February we was at work one day and we were talking on the phone and he thinks we need some time apart. I was so upset but said ok I will go to my mothers and you can pay this months bills and rent yourself since I will not be there. So I went to my mothers which is an hour away. That night I called the apt manager who lived right across from us to let her know to get the rent from him and to give her my mothers number if she needed me(no cell phones then). She said I thought I just saw you get out of the truck with him and go inside. I said no that was not me let me call over there. So I did and the answering machine picked up so I activated the listen feature and heard them talking and then she went to use the phone and I said hello and I heard her say OMG Jason its Stacie she is on the phone. I hung up and he called me back and I told him Christie told me she was there and we were done. I got in the car went to the apartment. She was gone he was waiting for me. I was so mad I went in punching him and asking him why and he said she was just a friend. I told him I heard him and her on the phone and he threw the phone at the window. I went back to my mothers and stayed for about a month. We had a great time.I would get off of work in the morning and drive to her apartment and she would have me coffee and an omelet ready.
In March I turned 20 and my mother took me shopping and bought me a dooney and Bourke purse and wallet. Well at this point Jason had been calling and telling me how sorry he was and that he wanted me back and he loved me. We went out on a couple of dates and I decided to go back to our apartment. My mother said she supported what ever decision I made.
So Christmas of 1994 Jason gave my an engagement ring and asked me to marry him. I was so happy and said yes. In February we was at work one day and we were talking on the phone and he thinks we need some time apart. I was so upset but said ok I will go to my mothers and you can pay this months bills and rent yourself since I will not be there. So I went to my mothers which is an hour away. That night I called the apt manager who lived right across from us to let her know to get the rent from him and to give her my mothers number if she needed me(no cell phones then). She said I thought I just saw you get out of the truck with him and go inside. I said no that was not me let me call over there. So I did and the answering machine picked up so I activated the listen feature and heard them talking and then she went to use the phone and I said hello and I heard her say OMG Jason its Stacie she is on the phone. I hung up and he called me back and I told him Christie told me she was there and we were done. I got in the car went to the apartment. She was gone he was waiting for me. I was so mad I went in punching him and asking him why and he said she was just a friend. I told him I heard him and her on the phone and he threw the phone at the window. I went back to my mothers and stayed for about a month. We had a great time.I would get off of work in the morning and drive to her apartment and she would have me coffee and an omelet ready.
In March I turned 20 and my mother took me shopping and bought me a dooney and Bourke purse and wallet. Well at this point Jason had been calling and telling me how sorry he was and that he wanted me back and he loved me. We went out on a couple of dates and I decided to go back to our apartment. My mother said she supported what ever decision I made.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Begining Continued
At the ripe old age of 13 I finally got the guts to tell my father that I wanted to go live with my mother so it was set that I would do so at the end of my 7th grade year. I was so excited!!! It was great for a while but she started drinking again and things got bad again . When she was sober she was the best mama in the world but the alcohol turned her into another person. I would hide her keys or drive her to the store myself. So the summer after my 8th grade year I was out with a friend of her and on our way back home we saw her driving very slow down a 4 lane hwy. The next thing we see is the police and she was arrested for DUI and taken to jail. I went to stay at my then boyfriends house and was eventually sent back to live with my father for my ninth grade year. I was again not happy as I am sure he and his wife felt the same.
I was saved and baptised during this year as a friend from school had invited me to her church. I loved that church if the doors were open I was there. I grew so close to God. I will never forget the Sunday the whole church was on their knees praying for my mother. So the summer after my ninth grade year I went to for my 2 week visit with my mother. While I was there I met a guy that I really liked. I went back to my fathers and told him I wanted to move back in with my mother and he let me. So I packed up my stuff and Ronnie came and got me. My mother was still drinking. I was determined that I was not going to go back to live with my father again.So I was staying with some friends of Ronnie's but grew tired of it and wanted wanted a more normal life so I called Susan and asked her if I could come live with her and she agreed,I was in the tenth grade at this point.
I made great friends and started dating David and my mother went through a very extensive rehab. The next three years were as normal and happy for me than any other up to that point. Susan had a baby girl who I adored. I would pick up Katie for the babysitter after school, she was my girl.
I graduated in 93 and my father,his wife and Brandy came. It was such a wonderful time for me. I was finally free. For the past three years I had had to lie to my father about where I was and that I was living with Susan. I guess at some point he probably figured it out.
I was saved and baptised during this year as a friend from school had invited me to her church. I loved that church if the doors were open I was there. I grew so close to God. I will never forget the Sunday the whole church was on their knees praying for my mother. So the summer after my ninth grade year I went to for my 2 week visit with my mother. While I was there I met a guy that I really liked. I went back to my fathers and told him I wanted to move back in with my mother and he let me. So I packed up my stuff and Ronnie came and got me. My mother was still drinking. I was determined that I was not going to go back to live with my father again.So I was staying with some friends of Ronnie's but grew tired of it and wanted wanted a more normal life so I called Susan and asked her if I could come live with her and she agreed,I was in the tenth grade at this point.
I made great friends and started dating David and my mother went through a very extensive rehab. The next three years were as normal and happy for me than any other up to that point. Susan had a baby girl who I adored. I would pick up Katie for the babysitter after school, she was my girl.
I graduated in 93 and my father,his wife and Brandy came. It was such a wonderful time for me. I was finally free. For the past three years I had had to lie to my father about where I was and that I was living with Susan. I guess at some point he probably figured it out.
The Begining
One of my first memories is when I was maybe 3 and I had burned my hand on the stove and was laying on the couch with my multi colored checked blanket crying "I want my daddy". I am not sure why I remember that, maybe it was the pain from the burn.We lived next door to my mothers friend Susan. Susan and her family were wonderful to me and my mother. Susan decided to buy a house and asked my mother to room and share bills so they both sold their trailers and moved into this house.
My mother had always been a drinker but was at this point an alcoholic. I will never forget going shopping with her and Susan and at one store she decided to stay in the car while we went in. When we got back out to the car she was not there. I, a four year old, was sooooo worried about her. I will never forget it. We went home and Susan called the police and the hospitals and we drove around looking for her. I still do not know where she was that day,but that night Susan and I went back out looking for her and there she was walking across the parking lot of the gas station on her way home. I was so relieved!! I did not know much at the time but over the next to years I got real good at being able to tell when mama was drinking. I also got good at finding her hidden wine bottles. My mother was a nurse and I remember going with Susan to pick her up from work because she was drinking on the job. I remember someone bringing her home from work because she was making bacon for the residents of the nursing home and was drinking and splashed the grease all up her arm leaving 3rd degree burns. I remember Susan putting her in the shower fully clothed to sober her up before taking her to the ER. I played nurse and gave her my angle bell and told her if she needed me to ring it,and she did. I put the creme on her arm and helped her wrap it,it was so gross and smelled bad. I will also never forget the time that she checked me out of school and took me to a hotel where she would not let me call Susan and proceeded to get drunk. That night the phone rang and since mama was passed out I answered it and it was Susan and she said she was coming to get me. She had been calling the police hospitals and hotels just like before and finally found us.
So at some point because of my mothers drinking she decided to move with me an hour away. We stayed with her brother for a while and her parents. I remember her taking me to the park and her not getting out of the car because she was so drunk. I went to the pay phone and called Susan. Of course being an hour away there was nothing she could do.
So after that Susan decided to contact my father and let him know what was going on and that I was in danger. She asked if she could obtain custody of me as she had been with me my whole life. He would not allow that, for whatever reason I will never know, so he filed for custody. I remember going to court. I was 7 years old. I was mad at Susan and would not talk to her. I knew that my mothers drinking was bad but she was still my mother and I loved her more than anything in the world. All I knew was that Susan wanted my father,who I barely knew and his wife/child that I had never met, to take me away from my mother. I do not remember at wat point this was but I was suppose to go with my mother and I know the time was getting close and we were still at my fathers mothers house and I kept asking when are we going and no one would answer and then my fathers wife and mother took me to a back bedroom and made me stay back there with them. I was so upset and scared(7). I now know that my mother was there with the police to get me but I do not know the details I just know it was not handled well at all by the adults in my life at the time and could have been done in a very different manner. Well low and behold I was sent to live with my father. I was in the second grade. It was just a very sad time. I was able to see Susan regularly for a while and that helped but it soon came to an end as well. My fathers wife i guess felt threatened by her something. I really do not know why. I know Susan can be pushy and thinks her way is the only way and maybe that is why but she knew me better than they ever would. I did not get to see my mother for a while. Once I did it was supervised by my grandmother. I remember the first time we were able to go to the 7-11 by our selves it was so wonderful to me. Well soon enough my father made it so I was not allowed to see Susan even if were with my mother. WHATEVER!! Like that would ever happen. My mother would come get me and drop Susan off at the post office before heading down the road, pick me up and back up the road to get her. I remember Susan standing there with her black and white sweater on in front of the little post office and I was alway so happy to see her as I was my mother.
I attended a very small school and I had the same teacher for third and fourth grade. I became very close to this teacher and I confided in her many things such as missing my mother and not wanting to live with my father and I honestly do not remember what all. I needed someone to here ME. One day my fathers daughter Brandy and I were outside in a playhouse and he came storming in grabbed me and threw me up againts the wall knock the breath out of me spanked me and was furious that I had talked to this teacher. I guess she told him. I felt so betrayed.Truth is I was never going to be happy living with him. Brandy was the only one there that was nice to me. After this my father started taking me to counseling. I only talked to him once that I can remember , they always did,but there was no way I was going to be betrayed again. I spent the next five years seeing my mother every other weekend. I could not wait for to pick me up and then would be sick to my stomach on the way back. When I would get back Kathy my fathers wife would make me shower even though I already had as if to wash my mother off of me. I would here the three of them playing in another room and if I went in they would stop. I totally felt like the fifth wheel the entire time I lived there. I felt like Kathy hated me as I was no more than a constant reminder of my mother or maybe of the affair he had with her after he and Kathy were married. He was no better to me I counted one month and he said 11 words to me in a month. I would lay awake at night and plot how I would run away and what I would do to live and how I would let my mother know I was ok. As I got older I would think of ways to die. I prayed every night for God to let me go live back with my mother or Susan.
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