One of my first memories is when I was maybe 3 and I had burned my hand on the stove and was laying on the couch with my multi colored checked blanket crying "I want my daddy". I am not sure why I remember that, maybe it was the pain from the burn.We lived next door to my mothers friend Susan. Susan and her family were wonderful to me and my mother. Susan decided to buy a house and asked my mother to room and share bills so they both sold their trailers and moved into this house.
My mother had always been a drinker but was at this point an alcoholic. I will never forget going shopping with her and Susan and at one store she decided to stay in the car while we went in. When we got back out to the car she was not there. I, a four year old, was sooooo worried about her. I will never forget it. We went home and Susan called the police and the hospitals and we drove around looking for her. I still do not know where she was that day,but that night Susan and I went back out looking for her and there she was walking across the parking lot of the gas station on her way home. I was so relieved!! I did not know much at the time but over the next to years I got real good at being able to tell when mama was drinking. I also got good at finding her hidden wine bottles. My mother was a nurse and I remember going with Susan to pick her up from work because she was drinking on the job. I remember someone bringing her home from work because she was making bacon for the residents of the nursing home and was drinking and splashed the grease all up her arm leaving 3rd degree burns. I remember Susan putting her in the shower fully clothed to sober her up before taking her to the ER. I played nurse and gave her my angle bell and told her if she needed me to ring it,and she did. I put the creme on her arm and helped her wrap it,it was so gross and smelled bad. I will also never forget the time that she checked me out of school and took me to a hotel where she would not let me call Susan and proceeded to get drunk. That night the phone rang and since mama was passed out I answered it and it was Susan and she said she was coming to get me. She had been calling the police hospitals and hotels just like before and finally found us.
So at some point because of my mothers drinking she decided to move with me an hour away. We stayed with her brother for a while and her parents. I remember her taking me to the park and her not getting out of the car because she was so drunk. I went to the pay phone and called Susan. Of course being an hour away there was nothing she could do.
So after that Susan decided to contact my father and let him know what was going on and that I was in danger. She asked if she could obtain custody of me as she had been with me my whole life. He would not allow that, for whatever reason I will never know, so he filed for custody. I remember going to court. I was 7 years old. I was mad at Susan and would not talk to her. I knew that my mothers drinking was bad but she was still my mother and I loved her more than anything in the world. All I knew was that Susan wanted my father,who I barely knew and his wife/child that I had never met, to take me away from my mother. I do not remember at wat point this was but I was suppose to go with my mother and I know the time was getting close and we were still at my fathers mothers house and I kept asking when are we going and no one would answer and then my fathers wife and mother took me to a back bedroom and made me stay back there with them. I was so upset and scared(7). I now know that my mother was there with the police to get me but I do not know the details I just know it was not handled well at all by the adults in my life at the time and could have been done in a very different manner. Well low and behold I was sent to live with my father. I was in the second grade. It was just a very sad time. I was able to see Susan regularly for a while and that helped but it soon came to an end as well. My fathers wife i guess felt threatened by her something. I really do not know why. I know Susan can be pushy and thinks her way is the only way and maybe that is why but she knew me better than they ever would. I did not get to see my mother for a while. Once I did it was supervised by my grandmother. I remember the first time we were able to go to the 7-11 by our selves it was so wonderful to me. Well soon enough my father made it so I was not allowed to see Susan even if were with my mother. WHATEVER!! Like that would ever happen. My mother would come get me and drop Susan off at the post office before heading down the road, pick me up and back up the road to get her. I remember Susan standing there with her black and white sweater on in front of the little post office and I was alway so happy to see her as I was my mother.
I attended a very small school and I had the same teacher for third and fourth grade. I became very close to this teacher and I confided in her many things such as missing my mother and not wanting to live with my father and I honestly do not remember what all. I needed someone to here ME. One day my fathers daughter Brandy and I were outside in a playhouse and he came storming in grabbed me and threw me up againts the wall knock the breath out of me spanked me and was furious that I had talked to this teacher. I guess she told him. I felt so betrayed.Truth is I was never going to be happy living with him. Brandy was the only one there that was nice to me. After this my father started taking me to counseling. I only talked to him once that I can remember , they always did,but there was no way I was going to be betrayed again. I spent the next five years seeing my mother every other weekend. I could not wait for to pick me up and then would be sick to my stomach on the way back. When I would get back Kathy my fathers wife would make me shower even though I already had as if to wash my mother off of me. I would here the three of them playing in another room and if I went in they would stop. I totally felt like the fifth wheel the entire time I lived there. I felt like Kathy hated me as I was no more than a constant reminder of my mother or maybe of the affair he had with her after he and Kathy were married. He was no better to me I counted one month and he said 11 words to me in a month. I would lay awake at night and plot how I would run away and what I would do to live and how I would let my mother know I was ok. As I got older I would think of ways to die. I prayed every night for God to let me go live back with my mother or Susan.
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